Winter is making me crazy. Chubby and crazy. February 16, 2010

My children have not been in school since an early dismissal sent them home on February 5.  Grrrrr….!  I’m becoming increasingly restless with the never (melting) ending piles of dirty white mess- the sad, little stomped-down trail from my front door to the car, carved out of three feet of snow… the hours at dawn and dusk where the sky and landscape meld into one alarmingly bright, yet gray, stark canvas.   The sun sets with the hint of longer days ahead (nearly six p.m. now!)  It’s day after day of DVD’s, munching, eating, picking, sticking my spoon into the icing container… I can’t fit into my favorite black pinstripe work pants.  I don’t mean they’re tight…. i mean that I cannot make the cute oversized sailor button on top meet with its hole.  It was last week…. true, I was a raging PMS mess (my eyes welled with tears when I walked past the baby clothes in WalMart- I don’t know about myself somedays…) when I decided ten minutes before I was to be at work that the black tights and narrow skirt made me feel like a stuffed sausage in its casing so I quickly slipped the skirt off and yanked the pants off a hanger.  Ooops….they won’t button….maybe it’s the tights- need to take them off too.  No, even bare legged, the pants would not give me fastening-satisfaction.  I panicked.  7:53am.  I began to try ALL of the neglected-this-winter pants.  Wow is all I can say- does the fat just sneak up on you?  I swear I wore those pants at least once since the new year.  I’m crushed.  I realized that I’ve been subconsciously avoiding all the cute, tight AE jeans I wore this fall.  The sweet pajama shorts with ribbons.  The white button up work shirts that just nip at the top of my dress pant waist   I’m wearing old gym shorts with bleach marks, less sexy undies (and my boobs are bigger!  ick!) and sweatshirts with fleecy robes.  I’m a winter-made mess.  A bonafide basketcase.  An eating machine. 

Last week I bought a sleek pair of Under Armour running pants, new Mizuno’s and expensive inserts- it was a Dick’s shopping spree- retail therapy!   They’re folded in my room, unused. 

I’m in the thick of it now… almost, anyway- last year it was March.  February is doing for me now in 2010.  Oh, if I were a medicating sort of person!  I need a damn light box or something!  A drill sargeant!  My kids to resume school at the very least!

For the mundane record, Violet is getting extensive ortho work- $4200 worth    Looking for a car for her as she will be working at a resort this summer and needs to drive herself- isn’t that just UNBELIEVABLE!  My brother moved back to the area with his girlfriend Jenn- they’re staying with my dad- also, odd.  I’m going to be 35 in a few months (that’s halfway to 70) .  Okay, over four months, but 35 is freaking me out in a big way.  I was invited to my high school best friend’s 35th birthday party in a few weeks- haven’t decided to go or not.

Blah, blah February 2, 2010

Starting to think I’m schizophrenic-  Besides the constant conversation I have with myself (and I keep getting caught silently mouthing replies), I’m pitching to a different team in my head, daily.     Who’s up to bat today?  Indecision?  Depression? or is it crazy Elation?  It’s like endless PMS. I hope everyone feels this way but doesn’t share?  *sigh*  Maybe it’s my age?  Stage in life?  I can settle an issue, see the illuminated answer… perhaps act on it and determine my mind is made up… then do an about-face. 

Charlie said it best, “WHAT is going on up here?”  I want to move in with these guys…

1981 Through Sleep January 28, 2010

Hush…Shh, she sleeps.  2009 had been the years of dreams, quite literally.  I don’t recall any other time in my life being so filled-  disturbingly, ethereally, lucidly, lushly, frighteningly with nightly subconscious activity.  2010 has not disappointed, thus far. 

I’m wakefully haunted the last two days by my former six-year-old self- she paid me a cordial visit on the waves of REM several nights ago and the dream was so beautiful- even the light had an antiquated film-quality about it- the sunshine was golden sepia, the over grown grass of 20 Park Street shushed and danced about my little backyard world…

Collecting twigs for the kettle (a leafy soup!)  I’d brush the brown bangs from my eyes and sun speckled nose.   John Lennon was in attendance, I believe, and I’d have perfectly logical discussions with him about singing or whether or not Fluffanella should be baptized (my cat).  I smell Pine Sol,  Kool Milds menthol cigarettes, damp earth,  and the cold rush of air from an open basement door.   Birds chatter.  Telephone poles.  And again.   And again.  And again (I’m rolling down the side yard hill, alone).   Daddy long legs frequent the painted cement wall and I collect them to pull their legs off and administer last rites- I always wanted to be a priest. 

Nyquil doesn’t hurt, either- let’s see who or what I conjure tonight…

The truth shall set you…on fire January 21, 2010

Dropping by in a rather “Dear Diary” fashion because I’ve fallen off the BlogWagon.  Just don’t feel it like and prefer the antiquated and time-tested act of scribbling feverishly on scrap paper at my work desk.  It’s cathartic to see the pencil lines marring the sheets with thick, angey stripes….  pounding a keyboard just doesn’t cut it.

Well, what wisdom can you give me about telling the truth?  I’ve become honest.  Clean.  True, I was pushed into a corner and probed and prodded until I couldn’t any longer and finally gave up the ghost.  I feel awful and sick.  I feel manipulated (as a “liar”, shouldn’t I feel like the manipulator?  Oh, I do) yet… new.  It’s out now.  My lying can stop- I won’t keep it up.  I’ll wait for the sentence, to serve my penance, I’ll make a bed up in my personal purgatory and wait it out. 

Because I don’t know what comes next.  The rest of my life.  My new life.  My honest life.  It can be a good life, but one with a rocky and blind beginning.   We’ll see.

I’m trying to run but lately it makes me sore.  This is an odd result for me.  My problem is that I run long a few a week, then I’ll slack off and run a huge one 6 days later…. NOT working.  You can’t run 7 miles  in inches of SNOW of all mediums, then expect to feel good trying to run 11-12 miles fast.  Yuck.  Today I feel like I have leaden bricks trailing behind my ankles.  A prisoner.  I finally fell asleep with Biofreeze slathered all over my left hip and knee last night.

Nothing new other than my usual drama.  There are so many shows I hope I can see… Muse, Siversun Pickups in D.C. in the beginning of March… face to Face and NOFX at Musink Fest in OC next month- THAT I’d LOVE to see

Kids are taking finals. Violet’s Sweet Sixteen Birthday party in Saturday- so much to do.  She got her learner’s permit and wants to drive now ALL OF THE TIME and this makes me a nervous puddle of mom.

Pivotal, Poignant. 2009. December 30, 2009

I wanted to recap, with annotations and footnotes, photos, bells and whistles, my entire 2009 experience.   I hoped to carefully draft this and present it to you proudly, but I lack the emotional viability and preparatory ability.  The truth is, I am as utterly confused as ever and the inevitable sundown of Dec 31 and the sunrise of Jan 1 is simply a date in passing, no matter how much I’d like to believe that there is something magical about the bridge into a new year. 

A few minutes ago I read a message sent to me on Facebook from my friend Laura.  I believe a lot of the people I have become acquainted with or with whom I have become close to, more than we were in past years, in 2009 have perhaps been very…. carefully placed?  Meaningful?  Purposeful?  I can’t even explain, to further bewilder my reader.  Just odd how ‘characters’ have drifted accross my stage this year… and properly cast. 

Laura, offering her biblical wisdom, tells me that “the heart is deceitful above all things…”  Well, DAMN.  No doubt.   Isn’t that the truth?  I’ve heard this before but am really turning it over, just now.   At Easter, My dad reminded us at dinner that “We pursue that which retreats from us”.   Yes, yes.  My mom points out that there is a giver and a taker in our relationships.  My therapist- a chaser and the chased.   I have now been both at the very same time, and I can tell you that neither position is very comfortable.   Chasing takes every last bit of soul from you and reduces you to desperation. Being chased is tiresome as well and challenges your patience and civility.   It all hurts. 

What have I done with my year?  My life?  (Isn’t this what I’m supposed to go through TEN years, FIFTEEN years from now?) I feel like I’m in a transitory place- as if this was the year that life would test me to see my worth- to evalute what I’ve done or not done- to object to a quiet humming and pacing that I’ve fallen complacent to on my life’s path… and violent shake me, free the cobwebs and undergrowth… What is meant for me?  What is it I want?  At what point is selfishness acceptable?  Is it ever?  Do you stay true to yourself?  Do you deny yourself always for the sake of others?  I’m struggling here.  Have I failed completely?  Which way is the road to happiness?  Is happiness important or obtainable? 

I can’t seem to regain balance.  Does anyone feel the way I do?  If yes, throw me a line-  a life preserver- a pistol!  (Or better yet- submit answers to all the above questions to angiepatricellikern@gmail.com- thanks in advance).

I ran three marathons in 6 months this year and finally hit low 22′s for my 5K time-  So I know I must seriously be disturbed; runners have issues, so I’ve heard.

And that wretched heart- that lying deceitful thing that lies to me every day- how do I trust it when it made such a mess of 2009.  How do I know when it’s telling the truth?  Again: answers, someone?  (“I listened to the bray my heart- I am I am Iam”- Sylvia Plath- listened, then …she killed it.

I’ve made friends this year with several incredible people….and destroyed (obliterated is better word) friendship.

I’ve lost a lot of weight and got in shape (yay for tank tops and skinny clothes!) but gained about 8 pounds since September (yay for mindless stress eating)

I dumped my Jetta for a NON-LOWERED VW!  gasp!

Oh, forget it- I can’t sum this amazing year into a cliff note.  I’ve grown- I’ve never felt more adult.  Eh.  And is it me or does everyone suddenly have a child under the age of nine?  I feel miles away from 2000, when I was 24 years old and I wouldn’t want to go back (actually, was just as confused but at least i didn’t feel the spiny fingers of time at my back)….  Time… time, time, time

SO will I surprise myself in 2010 or will 2010 surprise me?  There’s no regrets, honestly.  Good-bye, 2009.  Take your Silversun Pickups CD and Interpol CD with you- I wish to never hear them again.  Take your heavy, crushing, sad in the heart, hollowed out chest feeling that comes and goes.  Your maniacal sobbing moments on Ohio highways- yep- they’re yours- take ‘em.  The lying and yelling?   Sucked.  You may keep those for your history book.  Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling and alarm clock?  Obsessive cell phone useage?   Adios. 

Leave behind the honesty, please, as it has been used so sparingly.   Any love I have given or received has been graciously accepted and humbly and tremendously given away and I thank you, 2009, for that- leave it for me to return to in my mind… the poetry- however painful and written through tears of anger and hopelessness, it is all mine and I desire to keep it.  So much has happened that I actually couldn’t have desired to have happened more.   Release those, 2009.  

Bipolarity of 2009, goodnight.   Good morning, new decade.  Bring me endless miles.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a friend of mine.  In that case- I love you and hope you are well and wish you all of the best in the New Year.  If it has been too long, I miss you.  Let’s talk.  If you are a stranger, welcome.  And Happy New Year.

Forget Retirement, I’m on the cusp December 18, 2009

I am not rushing my kids out of the house, but as inch towards 37yrs old (the magical age where I become the parent of two legal adult, high school graduates!), I am planning my upcoming transition into bohemia… I’m going to sell my possessions, save for my books and a few treasures, stock up on tank tops and scarves, learn to play the piano wildly, move into a van that will travel America- run a marathon in all fifty states, live off of Chai  and croutons, work in soup kitchen nationwide, become fluent in French, learn Latin, know what it’s like to live out of a duffel bag, write poetry in little Americana cafes, stint as a baker, be a living statue in all major cities, share my bed with fifteen homeless dogs….oh, man….daydream over:  my lunch hour is over

Sleeping dogs never lie. December 12, 2009

I’ve just finished “straightening up” the entire house and it’s 1:44am.  I’ve recently found myself quite hooked on the handmade clothing, jewlery and original art on etsy.com and I’m browsing wonderful indie items, crocheted scarves, verdigris sparrow necklaces and colorful triptych canvases while watching some wretched, poorly acted movie on Oxygen.   Yeah, I guess Oxygen is just as bad as Lifetime.  An old commercial for the perfume J’adore just aired…it features Charlize Theron model-stomping towards the camera tearing at her pearls, ripping off her ballgown… She is so freaking gorgeous- I’ve always loved Charlize- so glamourous and classy.  I’m deliriously exhausted but can’t seem to close the laptop or snap off this television.  Cue the dogs… Murphy is snoring dutifully at my back and Scruffy is rendering his asthmatic snore from the top of my cedar chest.  They’re making not so subtle suggestions.  ugHHHHghGhGhGHGHHHHH….I can’t seem to calm my mind at this moment- I feel like an experiment subject in free-association or stream of consciousness… Racing and spinning- one thought spirals to this one…an emotion springs to the front and accompanies ten more raw feelings.  Sleep.  Sleep. Sleep will put it to sleep.

In Circles December 7, 2009

I’m absolutely dumbfounded by the passing of time- I know, pretty human of me, right?  But I swear I was readying the house for Christmas 2008 just a fleeting moment ago.  Ugh- makes my head spin.  Literally- it’s turning on its neck-axis….March….heartache….August…..hope…..October…… November…..good-bye.  Hello.  December.  Snow falling…Third Presby Church…my legs numb in the cold, dulls the pain, blocks the receptors that scream with every foot fall- if I could just take leave of the things I turn over and over in my head, it would all be okay.

I want to know WHY, I’m preoccupied with WHY, I can’t move forward without WHY. 

More later… I’m at work lunch.

Just Another Boring Update November 25, 2009

Hello, Miss Absolute Negativity here.  So much on my mind today, but I lack the ability to be honest on “paper” or the privacy to divulge.  Too bad there’s no way to know who reads this; I mean, all I have is this silly little stat counter and line graph to say “here’s how popular you are today”.  Sometimes I have 6 reads, sometimes, 79.  You never know.  And never any feedback.  Ah, well.  Been using my anonymous ones to vent anyway.   Mentioning that isn’t even fair to THIS blog’s readers, is it?  Kinda like you’re getting the scraps and leftovers of any raw Ang emotions. 

The week is nearly over- one more day to work.  One last sun-up to bake cream cheese filled pumpkin rolls and have my body be able to fit in skinny jeans before the big Dios de Turkey.  I’m generally a vegetarian, but I do have a hot slice of dry white meat every year-yummy.  I live for the desserts.  Running the Turkey Trot early Thursday and I know I’m not a 22:30 anymore, so I’m afraid to see my slow time since I’ve been running just a couple slow times a week…and with 5-6 extra pounds since summer.  Yeah, my jeans still fit, but different.  My butt is filling them out and my boobs are slightly plumper.    I don’t want butt or boobs.  Eh, what are you going to do. 

I’m going to do all the normal things this year that go along with my favorite holiday- Thanksgiving movie at night (everyone’s going to see A Christmas Carol), going to get a nice alcohol buzz, receive just a slight amount of sleep, then hit up Black Friday with my sister in law.  On Saturday afternoon I’ll be lying on a table at my tattoo man’s shop. 

I better get to bed- meeting Lori at 5a.m. to put down 6 or 7.  Blah- tired already.

Enough of me, how are you?

A Date with My Son November 16, 2009

I went out with Colby Friday night….something I’ve never done and was very glad I did- hang out with just one of the kids for a night on a special occasion. Let me briefly describe how I had to go about getting the young man to see his favorite band, Taking Back Sunday (and I actually love them too).  I had FLOOR/PIT tickets to the Morgantown show 2 weeks ago.   Bought well ahead of the concert, they sat in my bedside drawer and somehow Colby and I BOTH thought the show was on a Thursday.  Well, on the assumed Thursday Colby text me at work “mom the show was last night”.    Aw that SUCKED!  So I frantically searched for another show and was pissed I spent 85.00 on a concert I missed while watching TV.  There really weren’t any shows that didn’t require serious travel in terms of 4-5 hours…except the Latrobe show…which wwas sold out.  So began my daily and nightly Craigslist, Pittsburgh newspapers and Ebay searches.  It was pretty exhausting; so many “just sold ten minutes ago” or ridiculous ($275.00 for 2) prices on eBay or online ticket hubs.  I even drove 1.5 hours away to some punk kid who stood me up.  Then 2 days before the show I found 2 separate tickets on Craigslist and managed to score each.   Victory!   (Now I have $175 wrapped up in tickets!  Yeah, trying not to think about it)   So on Friday the 13th  we were off! 

It was definitely not without incident and reminded me exactly like a night straight out of my own high school years… My GPS sent me some screwball way out in the middle of nowhere- for 10 miles I was on farm roads having to pee unbelievably… I give up and pull over to go right next to the car in the grass (and no, I couldn’t find ANY coverage…looked for trees, ditches- I was out in the open)  and as soon as the stream gets going- A car- I’m right in the  headlights half peeing on my own shoe.  Nice.  We get to St. Vincent College and I feel immediately old.   I think every student was out and invited their friends in high school.   I seriously couldn’t spy anyone in their TWENTIES, even.  LOL.   We stood in an enormous line for a half hour and I just listened- was very entertaining.  Was I this dumb?  Wow.  Really funny stuff.  The college sophomores in front of us were drinking Vodka in Aquafina bottles.  Do you see anyone over 19 yrs old here:

 Their conversations on sex and ID’s were precious   Inside, I ask if Colby wants a seat and of course he didn’t- we squeeze in the floor area- pretty close, actually.   Funny I remember fear of being trampled and shoved at shows- hell, at Nine Inch Nails (lucky enough to even get pit tix) in ’03 or so I had to be drug back off the floor by Dale because it got so nuts that my feet were hovering 2 inches above the floor.  I was frightened and began to panic so I was taken out before the third song.  I’m a wimp.  Well, this, my friends, is an EMO  show and yes, there were jock kids who cluelessly shoved each other, but it was pretty tame.  The opening band was Amberlin.  Boring.  Kids knew their stuff of course, but when the singer said they were going to cover a “really old song” which turned out to be New Order’s ‘True Faith’, I was the only one singing- and very excited- it was great!  Showing my age!!

Anyway, to make a long story short(er), they played his favorites, they played My Blue Heaven, which is mine, we ditched All American Rejects because they suck, and spent a stupid amount of money on tour hoodie and t-shirt.  It was a lot of sweaty fun