I’ve just finished “straightening up” the entire house and it’s 1:44am. I’ve recently found myself quite hooked on the handmade clothing, jewlery and original art on etsy.com and I’m browsing wonderful indie items, crocheted scarves, verdigris sparrow necklaces and colorful triptych canvases while watching some wretched, poorly acted movie on Oxygen. Yeah, I guess Oxygen is just as bad as Lifetime. An old commercial for the perfume J’adore just aired…it features Charlize Theron model-stomping towards the camera tearing at her pearls, ripping off her ballgown… She is so freaking gorgeous- I’ve always loved Charlize- so glamourous and classy. I’m deliriously exhausted but can’t seem to close the laptop or snap off this television. Cue the dogs… Murphy is snoring dutifully at my back and Scruffy is rendering his asthmatic snore from the top of my cedar chest. They’re making not so subtle suggestions. ugHHHHghGhGhGHGHHHHH….I can’t seem to calm my mind at this moment- I feel like an experiment subject in free-association or stream of consciousness… Racing and spinning- one thought spirals to this one…an emotion springs to the front and accompanies ten more raw feelings. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep will put it to sleep.
In Circles December 7, 2009
I’m absolutely dumbfounded by the passing of time- I know, pretty human of me, right? But I swear I was readying the house for Christmas 2008 just a fleeting moment ago. Ugh- makes my head spin. Literally- it’s turning on its neck-axis….March….heartache….August…..hope…..October…… November…..good-bye. Hello. December. Snow falling…Third Presby Church…my legs numb in the cold, dulls the pain, blocks the receptors that scream with every foot fall- if I could just take leave of the things I turn over and over in my head, it would all be okay.
I want to know WHY, I’m preoccupied with WHY, I can’t move forward without WHY.
More later… I’m at work lunch.
Just Another Boring Update November 25, 2009
Hello, Miss Absolute Negativity here. So much on my mind today, but I lack the ability to be honest on “paper” or the privacy to divulge. Too bad there’s no way to know who reads this; I mean, all I have is this silly little stat counter and line graph to say “here’s how popular you are today”. Sometimes I have 6 reads, sometimes, 79. You never know. And never any feedback. Ah, well. Been using my anonymous ones to vent anyway. Mentioning that isn’t even fair to THIS blog’s readers, is it? Kinda like you’re getting the scraps and leftovers of any raw Ang emotions.
The week is nearly over- one more day to work. One last sun-up to bake cream cheese filled pumpkin rolls and have my body be able to fit in skinny jeans before the big Dios de Turkey. I’m generally a vegetarian, but I do have a hot slice of dry white meat every year-yummy. I live for the desserts. Running the Turkey Trot early Thursday and I know I’m not a 22:30 anymore, so I’m afraid to see my slow time since I’ve been running just a couple slow times a week…and with 5-6 extra pounds since summer. Yeah, my jeans still fit, but different. My butt is filling them out and my boobs are slightly plumper. 
I don’t want butt or boobs. Eh, what are you going to do.
I’m going to do all the normal things this year that go along with my favorite holiday- Thanksgiving movie at night (everyone’s going to see A Christmas Carol), going to get a nice alcohol buzz, receive just a slight amount of sleep, then hit up Black Friday with my sister in law. On Saturday afternoon I’ll be lying on a table at my tattoo man’s shop.
I better get to bed- meeting Lori at 5a.m. to put down 6 or 7. Blah- tired already.
Enough of me, how are you?
A Date with My Son November 16, 2009
I went out with Colby Friday night….something I’ve never done and was very glad I did- hang out with just one of the kids for a night on a special occasion. Let me briefly describe how I had to go about getting the young man to see his favorite band, Taking Back Sunday (and I actually love them too). I had FLOOR/PIT tickets to the Morgantown show 2 weeks ago. Bought well ahead of the concert, they sat in my bedside drawer and somehow Colby and I BOTH thought the show was on a Thursday. Well, on the assumed Thursday Colby text me at work “mom the show was last night”. Aw that SUCKED! So I frantically searched for another show and was pissed I spent 85.00 on a concert I missed while watching TV. There really weren’t any shows that didn’t require serious travel in terms of 4-5 hours…except the Latrobe show…which wwas sold out. So began my daily and nightly Craigslist, Pittsburgh newspapers and Ebay searches. It was pretty exhausting; so many “just sold ten minutes ago” or ridiculous ($275.00 for 2) prices on eBay or online ticket hubs. I even drove 1.5 hours away to some punk kid who stood me up. Then 2 days before the show I found 2 separate tickets on Craigslist and managed to score each. Victory! (Now I have $175 wrapped up in tickets! Yeah, trying not to think about it) So on Friday the 13th we were off!
It was definitely not without incident and reminded me exactly like a night straight out of my own high school years… My GPS sent me some screwball way out in the middle of nowhere- for 10 miles I was on farm roads having to pee unbelievably… I give up and pull over to go right next to the car in the grass (and no, I couldn’t find ANY coverage…looked for trees, ditches- I was out in the open) and as soon as the stream gets going- A car- I’m right in the headlights half peeing on my own shoe. Nice. We get to St. Vincent College and I feel immediately old. I think every student was out and invited their friends in high school. I seriously couldn’t spy anyone in their TWENTIES, even. LOL. We stood in an enormous line for a half hour and I just listened- was very entertaining. Was I this dumb? Wow. Really funny stuff. The college sophomores in front of us were drinking Vodka in Aquafina bottles. Do you see anyone over 19 yrs old here:
Their conversations on sex and ID’s were precious 
Inside, I ask if Colby wants a seat and of course he didn’t- we squeeze in the floor area- pretty close, actually. Funny I remember fear of being trampled and shoved at shows- hell, at Nine Inch Nails (lucky enough to even get pit tix) in ‘03 or so I had to be drug back off the floor by Dale because it got so nuts that my feet were hovering 2 inches above the floor. I was frightened and began to panic so I was taken out before the third song. I’m a wimp. Well, this, my friends, is an EMO show and yes, there were jock kids who cluelessly shoved each other, but it was pretty tame. The opening band was Amberlin. Boring. Kids knew their stuff of course, but when the singer said they were going to cover a “really old song” which turned out to be New Order’s ‘True Faith’, I was the only one singing- and very excited- it was great! Showing my age!!
Anyway, to make a long story short(er), they played his favorites, they played My Blue Heaven, which is mine, we ditched All American Rejects because they suck, and spent a stupid amount of money on tour hoodie and t-shirt. It was a lot of sweaty fun
Transient Friday November 13, 2009
I’ve come to realize that my most enjoyable days are the ones in which I live for that moment. Carpe diem and all that crap. It’s undoubtedly difficult, if not sometimes entirely impossible, to let go and free your thoughts of the past or future, but I’m working on it. I am. I am. I am (Sylvia Plath ) To recognize that everything is temporary, everything that surrounds us is earthly here and now at it’s best…. So much is meaningless! But…. so meaningful. LOL. Yeah, I’m contemplating everything. My solo walk through downtown to pick up lunch felt somewhat otherworldly to me today. I felt like a bystander in a lonely, but somehow exhilarating way… people absorbed in their goings-on, hurried… I walked slow in the streaming sun observing- it was all so….fleeting, momentary; chaos could have ensued- catastrophe could have striked, and yet I think it would have remained overwhelmingly beautiful. It felt good to be aware- I’d like to spend more time in that frozen frame.
I can’t change anyone- not their mind, not their causes, not their pain or passion or hurt or desires. I can’t make MYSELF feel anything different from what I feel and I can barely change my OWN mind. I’m just enjoying the breathing walk-on parts.
Reflecting over the Top Gun Soundtrack. Kill me. November 11, 2009
So, I’m sitting here watching Maverick, Goose and the Ice Man (yeah, nothing better to do than watch Top Gun for the umpteenth time) with an empty Subway pizza container. Kelly McGillis really sort of looked like a dude to me… don’t get me wrong, her homely looks kind of worked as an Amish chick in Witness (and that chemistry with Harrison Ford….mmmm…yummy- you just wanted them to get all sexed up over a butter churner or chicken coop), but she’s just weird in this movie. Eh, Tom Cruise is ugly too. Is there anything better to do with my time? No. I’m knee-deep in a Tuesday night funk. I just drove an hour and a half to meet a kid I met, like a total ass, on Craigslist and TRUSTED he was meeting me and selling me tickets to an event. Ever-naive Ang. We kept texting each other (Ugh- this onscreen kiss is unbelievably gross….yuck!) throughout….even as I waited in the parking lot for the little ball-less ba$tard, I believed he was simply late. Then his texts got strange and I knew I had been duped. Wonder-emo kid Ang cried and turned the car around for home.
What really sucks is that I’m not even hungry, but stress subjects me to a keen sensitivity to starch and sources of insignificant nutrition, hence the polished off pizza. Sigh. I’m sad today. PMS? Naw- not yet, but similar- eating…far-away stares… I think my boobs are bigger? Are they bigger (I’m simultaneously grabbing each with a little shake…like feeling fruit for firmness…but you can’t see that, can ya?)? My clothes fit fine, but I feel soft… or bloaty. Ick. I hope it’s not a fat girl re emerging- she was a depressing creature. Gotta run, run, run (Val Kilmer is ridiculous in this movie. I just can’t take his acting prowess seriously…although I totally wanted him in the movie Real Genius when I was, like, ten. He suffers from the Keneau Reeves Syndrome.)
I’m quickly at the conclusion that 2009 is making it’s closing remarks. I don’t like it’s argument, either, as the year is wrapping up much differently than it premiered. Hope in a snow globe- soft, blinding fool’s hope- light and wispy. Now, the holidays are on us and I can see that it’s not hope, but a confusing white-out. I’m such a Debbie Downer….I’m going to mapquest “Bright Side” and go looking for it. (Goose has passed, ladies and gentlemen)
Violet’s at a party….a Senior BOY’s party at his house. (Tom Cruise in his tighty-whities… puke) I’m sinking into her heating blanket on her bed… “What do I get out of this? I always try, I always miss….” (New Order)
This has been a test of the Emergency Emo Random System…
If you can’t spit it out before the driveway, just keep it to yourself. Forever. November 9, 2009
“three minutes left
if there’s anything you
want to say… you’ve got
three minutes… nothing? oKay
then.” the last exit. the turn left.
torrents of smoke dance and shimmy like
ghosts above each chimney. two hands
on the wheel. emergency brake
(symbolic?) divides us. we
are on sides. just three
minutes to decide. to
speak. to speak.
to speak.
there’s trees.
and leaves. and lies.
I plea on behalf of bodies
and bark, headlights and dark.
i’m sinking further into the wet
ground- mouths melt hot and I’m falling
like Alice… drink me. trip on
roots. trip on the moon. put
my fingers into my mouth-
baby spoons dig, unearth
this girl who speaks
who speaks who
speaks too many words.
After a snowy early morning run at the end of 2008. I actually remember this morning very, very well. I’ve taken a pain pill for the horrible way my body feels this evening- I need sleep. My spine feels wrung out. I think it’s making me a little sleepy and sad- crazy and imaginative. My bed is a pirate ship; we sail out at daybreak and ride through the painted sky on swollen clouds. Night night.
An Oatmeal Kind of Life November 3, 2009
Oatmeal is starting to turn me into a dull person- you are what you eat, right? I’ve eaten apple cinnamon oatmeal everyday at work for nearly two weeks. I’m stuck in my habits, my ruts. Does it occur to me to make something more flavorful? Of course- I’ve got veggies in every color in the fridge, hummus, a stack of white chunk tuna in the cupboard for salad… but I grab my “woobie” food- my comfort plan- tried and true oatmeal. A bar for breakfast, hot honeyed green tea at work in the morning, oatmeal and yogurt (yogurt every day for YEARS) ….. day in, day out. I gotta step out of this monotonous food box before whatever lustiness I have commits suicide. Spicy tonight.
I have been entirely too busy to blog. So I’m boring. And my latest entries suck ass. My apologies, I’m wrting out of a sense of personal obligation to not abandon (hope, cheese and my favorite worn out stained up jogging shorts) my site. It’s the looming, forboding HOLIDAY SEASON. Wretched. I feel time taxed already. I promise, there’s excitement left in me yet. Thursday it’s Taking Back Sunday with my youngest Excited! We scored pit tickets- look-out, there’s a mom in the pit!
Before this Fall October 28, 2009
I’m wary of trees
The leaves- when lush
with languid August rush- they
lie and lull
Make me stupid
beneath midnight canopy
beneath summer Cygnus, Lyra-
These fill and brim your silvered eyes
Flit the skies and play across
lips pressed like hands in prayer
What can I trust
when morning is on your tongue?
(like summer, you run-
-I remember)
shooting and stabbing,
sharp, so sweet
Make me stupid
until September
Eh, something I’m working on. See, if I’m ‘working on it’, it means- do not criticize. It also means I’ll shove it into my daily planner amid fifteen other short and long pieces that I’ll never get back to, and lately I feel vulnerable putting up long finished pieces. Like running a race, you have to have an excuse afterwards for your performance, even if it’s a good one.
Got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
The Halloween parade is tonight- I love Uniontown parades!
Boring Monday Blog October 26, 2009
This is the month that never ends…yes it goes on and on my friends… Remember Shari Lewis and Lambchop? Man, Violet used to watch that as a toddler- the most annoying PBS show!! Just thought of it…
This is an obligatory, courtesy blog- because I’ve been too busy to commit to anything of substance. October isn’t dragging by any means, it’s just jam packed with sanity-challenging…stuff. Halloween started this past weekend for us- Saturday night was party-hopping. Several old friends, family, etc. was nice, but didn’t get to bed until 3:34 which ruins the following day for me- got out of bed around noon! Now, this week contains TWO parades the kids march in, WPIALS at Slippery Rock, a doctors apt. at Children’s in the ‘Burgh, and preparations to the yard and house for the kids’ party on Ghoul’s Night (I LOVE halloween)- (and I have to fit my running in here and there- I had a great running week last week) plus my niece and nephews are coming over for trick or treating, which s the best trick or treating around- seriously looks like the set of E.T. in my ‘hood- it’s awesome. Anyhow, I’m out… I’ll keep you posted
