Last week I bought a sleek pair of Under Armour running pants, new Mizuno’s and expensive inserts- it was a Dick’s shopping spree- retail therapy!   They’re folded in my room, unused. 

I’m in the thick of it now… almost, anyway- last year it was March.  February is doing for me now in 2010.  Oh, if I were a medicating sort of person!  I need a damn light box or something!  A drill sargeant!  My kids to resume school at the very least!

For the mundane record, Violet is getting extensive ortho work- $4200 worth    Looking for a car for her as she will be working at a resort this summer and needs to drive herself- isn’t that just UNBELIEVABLE!  My brother moved back to the area with his girlfriend Jenn- they’re staying with my dad- also, odd.  I’m going to be 35 in a few months (that’s halfway to 70) .  Okay, over four months, but 35 is freaking me out in a big way.  I was invited to my high school best friend’s 35th birthday party in a few weeks- haven’t decided to go or not.

Charlie said it best, “WHAT is going on up here?”  I want to move in with these guys…

I’m wakefully haunted the last two days by my former six-year-old self- she paid me a cordial visit on the waves of REM several nights ago and the dream was so beautiful- even the light had an antiquated film-quality about it- the sunshine was golden sepia, the over grown grass of 20 Park Street shushed and danced about my little backyard world…

Collecting twigs for the kettle (a leafy soup!)  I’d brush the brown bangs from my eyes and sun speckled nose.   John Lennon was in attendance, I believe, and I’d have perfectly logical discussions with him about singing or whether or not Fluffanella should be baptized (my cat).  I smell Pine Sol,  Kool Milds menthol cigarettes, damp earth,  and the cold rush of air from an open basement door.   Birds chatter.  Telephone poles.  And again.   And again.  And again (I’m rolling down the side yard hill, alone).   Daddy long legs frequent the painted cement wall and I collect them to pull their legs off and administer last rites- I always wanted to be a priest. 

Nyquil doesn’t hurt, either- let’s see who or what I conjure tonight…

Well, what wisdom can you give me about telling the truth?  I’ve become honest.  Clean.  True, I was pushed into a corner and probed and prodded until I couldn’t any longer and finally gave up the ghost.  I feel awful and sick.  I feel manipulated (as a “liar”, shouldn’t I feel like the manipulator?  Oh, I do) yet… new.  It’s out now.  My lying can stop- I won’t keep it up.  I’ll wait for the sentence, to serve my penance, I’ll make a bed up in my personal purgatory and wait it out. 

Because I don’t know what comes next.  The rest of my life.  My new life.  My honest life.  It can be a good life, but one with a rocky and blind beginning.   We’ll see.

I’m trying to run but lately it makes me sore.  This is an odd result for me.  My problem is that I run long a few a week, then I’ll slack off and run a huge one 6 days later…. NOT working.  You can’t run 7 miles  in inches of SNOW of all mediums, then expect to feel good trying to run 11-12 miles fast.  Yuck.  Today I feel like I have leaden bricks trailing behind my ankles.  A prisoner.  I finally fell asleep with Biofreeze slathered all over my left hip and knee last night.

Nothing new other than my usual drama.  There are so many shows I hope I can see… Muse, Siversun Pickups in D.C. in the beginning of March… face to Face and NOFX at Musink Fest in OC next month- THAT I’d LOVE to see

Kids are taking finals. Violet’s Sweet Sixteen Birthday party in Saturday- so much to do.  She got her learner’s permit and wants to drive now ALL OF THE TIME and this makes me a nervous puddle of mom.

A few minutes ago I read a message sent to me on Facebook from my friend Laura.  I believe a lot of the people I have become acquainted with or with whom I have become close to, more than we were in past years, in 2009 have perhaps been very…. carefully placed?  Meaningful?  Purposeful?  I can’t even explain, to further bewilder my reader.  Just odd how ‘characters’ have drifted accross my stage this year… and properly cast. 

Laura, offering her biblical wisdom, tells me that “the heart is deceitful above all things…”  Well, DAMN.  No doubt.   Isn’t that the truth?  I’ve heard this before but am really turning it over, just now.   At Easter, My dad reminded us at dinner that “We pursue that which retreats from us”.   Yes, yes.  My mom points out that there is a giver and a taker in our relationships.  My therapist- a chaser and the chased.   I have now been both at the very same time, and I can tell you that neither position is very comfortable.   Chasing takes every last bit of soul from you and reduces you to desperation. Being chased is tiresome as well and challenges your patience and civility.   It all hurts. 

What have I done with my year?  My life?  (Isn’t this what I’m supposed to go through TEN years, FIFTEEN years from now?) I feel like I’m in a transitory place- as if this was the year that life would test me to see my worth- to evalute what I’ve done or not done- to object to a quiet humming and pacing that I’ve fallen complacent to on my life’s path… and violent shake me, free the cobwebs and undergrowth… What is meant for me?  What is it I want?  At what point is selfishness acceptable?  Is it ever?  Do you stay true to yourself?  Do you deny yourself always for the sake of others?  I’m struggling here.  Have I failed completely?  Which way is the road to happiness?  Is happiness important or obtainable? 

I can’t seem to regain balance.  Does anyone feel the way I do?  If yes, throw me a line-  a life preserver- a pistol!  (Or better yet- submit answers to all the above questions to angiepatricellikern@gmail.com- thanks in advance).

I ran three marathons in 6 months this year and finally hit low 22′s for my 5K time-  So I know I must seriously be disturbed; runners have issues, so I’ve heard.

And that wretched heart- that lying deceitful thing that lies to me every day- how do I trust it when it made such a mess of 2009.  How do I know when it’s telling the truth?  Again: answers, someone?  (“I listened to the bray my heart- I am I am Iam”- Sylvia Plath- listened, then …she killed it.

I’ve made friends this year with several incredible people….and destroyed (obliterated is better word) friendship.

I’ve lost a lot of weight and got in shape (yay for tank tops and skinny clothes!) but gained about 8 pounds since September (yay for mindless stress eating)

I dumped my Jetta for a NON-LOWERED VW!  gasp!

Oh, forget it- I can’t sum this amazing year into a cliff note.  I’ve grown- I’ve never felt more adult.  Eh.  And is it me or does everyone suddenly have a child under the age of nine?  I feel miles away from 2000, when I was 24 years old and I wouldn’t want to go back (actually, was just as confused but at least i didn’t feel the spiny fingers of time at my back)….  Time… time, time, time

SO will I surprise myself in 2010 or will 2010 surprise me?  There’s no regrets, honestly.  Good-bye, 2009.  Take your Silversun Pickups CD and Interpol CD with you- I wish to never hear them again.  Take your heavy, crushing, sad in the heart, hollowed out chest feeling that comes and goes.  Your maniacal sobbing moments on Ohio highways- yep- they’re yours- take ‘em.  The lying and yelling?   Sucked.  You may keep those for your history book.  Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling and alarm clock?  Obsessive cell phone useage?   Adios. 

Leave behind the honesty, please, as it has been used so sparingly.   Any love I have given or received has been graciously accepted and humbly and tremendously given away and I thank you, 2009, for that- leave it for me to return to in my mind… the poetry- however painful and written through tears of anger and hopelessness, it is all mine and I desire to keep it.  So much has happened that I actually couldn’t have desired to have happened more.   Release those, 2009.  

Bipolarity of 2009, goodnight.   Good morning, new decade.  Bring me endless miles.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a friend of mine.  In that case- I love you and hope you are well and wish you all of the best in the New Year.  If it has been too long, I miss you.  Let’s talk.  If you are a stranger, welcome.  And Happy New Year.

I want to know WHY, I’m preoccupied with WHY, I can’t move forward without WHY. 

More later… I’m at work lunch.

The week is nearly over- one more day to work.  One last sun-up to bake cream cheese filled pumpkin rolls and have my body be able to fit in skinny jeans before the big Dios de Turkey.  I’m generally a vegetarian, but I do have a hot slice of dry white meat every year-yummy.  I live for the desserts.  Running the Turkey Trot early Thursday and I know I’m not a 22:30 anymore, so I’m afraid to see my slow time since I’ve been running just a couple slow times a week…and with 5-6 extra pounds since summer.  Yeah, my jeans still fit, but different.  My butt is filling them out and my boobs are slightly plumper.    I don’t want butt or boobs.  Eh, what are you going to do. 

I’m going to do all the normal things this year that go along with my favorite holiday- Thanksgiving movie at night (everyone’s going to see A Christmas Carol), going to get a nice alcohol buzz, receive just a slight amount of sleep, then hit up Black Friday with my sister in law.  On Saturday afternoon I’ll be lying on a table at my tattoo man’s shop. 

I better get to bed- meeting Lori at 5a.m. to put down 6 or 7.  Blah- tired already.

Enough of me, how are you?

It was definitely not without incident and reminded me exactly like a night straight out of my own high school years… My GPS sent me some screwball way out in the middle of nowhere- for 10 miles I was on farm roads having to pee unbelievably… I give up and pull over to go right next to the car in the grass (and no, I couldn’t find ANY coverage…looked for trees, ditches- I was out in the open)  and as soon as the stream gets going- A car- I’m right in the  headlights half peeing on my own shoe.  Nice.  We get to St. Vincent College and I feel immediately old.   I think every student was out and invited their friends in high school.   I seriously couldn’t spy anyone in their TWENTIES, even.  LOL.   We stood in an enormous line for a half hour and I just listened- was very entertaining.  Was I this dumb?  Wow.  Really funny stuff.  The college sophomores in front of us were drinking Vodka in Aquafina bottles.  Do you see anyone over 19 yrs old here:

 Their conversations on sex and ID’s were precious   Inside, I ask if Colby wants a seat and of course he didn’t- we squeeze in the floor area- pretty close, actually.   Funny I remember fear of being trampled and shoved at shows- hell, at Nine Inch Nails (lucky enough to even get pit tix) in ’03 or so I had to be drug back off the floor by Dale because it got so nuts that my feet were hovering 2 inches above the floor.  I was frightened and began to panic so I was taken out before the third song.  I’m a wimp.  Well, this, my friends, is an EMO  show and yes, there were jock kids who cluelessly shoved each other, but it was pretty tame.  The opening band was Amberlin.  Boring.  Kids knew their stuff of course, but when the singer said they were going to cover a “really old song” which turned out to be New Order’s ‘True Faith’, I was the only one singing- and very excited- it was great!  Showing my age!!

Anyway, to make a long story short(er), they played his favorites, they played My Blue Heaven, which is mine, we ditched All American Rejects because they suck, and spent a stupid amount of money on tour hoodie and t-shirt.  It was a lot of sweaty fun