Pivotal, Poignant. 2009. December 30, 2009

I wanted to recap, with annotations and footnotes, photos, bells and whistles, my entire 2009 experience.   I hoped to carefully draft this and present it to you proudly, but I lack the emotional viability and preparatory ability.  The truth is, I am as utterly confused as ever and the inevitable sundown of Dec 31 and the sunrise of Jan 1 is simply a date in passing, no matter how much I’d like to believe that there is something magical about the bridge into a new year. 

A few minutes ago I read a message sent to me on Facebook from my friend Laura.  I believe a lot of the people I have become acquainted with or with whom I have become close to, more than we were in past years, in 2009 have perhaps been very…. carefully placed?  Meaningful?  Purposeful?  I can’t even explain, to further bewilder my reader.  Just odd how ‘characters’ have drifted accross my stage this year… and properly cast. 

Laura, offering her biblical wisdom, tells me that “the heart is deceitful above all things…”  Well, DAMN.  No doubt.   Isn’t that the truth?  I’ve heard this before but am really turning it over, just now.   At Easter, My dad reminded us at dinner that “We pursue that which retreats from us”.   Yes, yes.  My mom points out that there is a giver and a taker in our relationships.  My therapist- a chaser and the chased.   I have now been both at the very same time, and I can tell you that neither position is very comfortable.   Chasing takes every last bit of soul from you and reduces you to desperation. Being chased is tiresome as well and challenges your patience and civility.   It all hurts. 

What have I done with my year?  My life?  (Isn’t this what I’m supposed to go through TEN years, FIFTEEN years from now?) I feel like I’m in a transitory place- as if this was the year that life would test me to see my worth- to evalute what I’ve done or not done- to object to a quiet humming and pacing that I’ve fallen complacent to on my life’s path… and violent shake me, free the cobwebs and undergrowth… What is meant for me?  What is it I want?  At what point is selfishness acceptable?  Is it ever?  Do you stay true to yourself?  Do you deny yourself always for the sake of others?  I’m struggling here.  Have I failed completely?  Which way is the road to happiness?  Is happiness important or obtainable? 

I can’t seem to regain balance.  Does anyone feel the way I do?  If yes, throw me a line-  a life preserver- a pistol!  (Or better yet- submit answers to all the above questions to angiepatricellikern@gmail.com- thanks in advance).

I ran three marathons in 6 months this year and finally hit low 22′s for my 5K time-  So I know I must seriously be disturbed; runners have issues, so I’ve heard.

And that wretched heart- that lying deceitful thing that lies to me every day- how do I trust it when it made such a mess of 2009.  How do I know when it’s telling the truth?  Again: answers, someone?  (“I listened to the bray my heart- I am I am Iam”- Sylvia Plath- listened, then …she killed it.

I’ve made friends this year with several incredible people….and destroyed (obliterated is better word) friendship.

I’ve lost a lot of weight and got in shape (yay for tank tops and skinny clothes!) but gained about 8 pounds since September (yay for mindless stress eating)

I dumped my Jetta for a NON-LOWERED VW!  gasp!

Oh, forget it- I can’t sum this amazing year into a cliff note.  I’ve grown- I’ve never felt more adult.  Eh.  And is it me or does everyone suddenly have a child under the age of nine?  I feel miles away from 2000, when I was 24 years old and I wouldn’t want to go back (actually, was just as confused but at least i didn’t feel the spiny fingers of time at my back)….  Time… time, time, time

SO will I surprise myself in 2010 or will 2010 surprise me?  There’s no regrets, honestly.  Good-bye, 2009.  Take your Silversun Pickups CD and Interpol CD with you- I wish to never hear them again.  Take your heavy, crushing, sad in the heart, hollowed out chest feeling that comes and goes.  Your maniacal sobbing moments on Ohio highways- yep- they’re yours- take ‘em.  The lying and yelling?   Sucked.  You may keep those for your history book.  Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling and alarm clock?  Obsessive cell phone useage?   Adios. 

Leave behind the honesty, please, as it has been used so sparingly.   Any love I have given or received has been graciously accepted and humbly and tremendously given away and I thank you, 2009, for that- leave it for me to return to in my mind… the poetry- however painful and written through tears of anger and hopelessness, it is all mine and I desire to keep it.  So much has happened that I actually couldn’t have desired to have happened more.   Release those, 2009.  

Bipolarity of 2009, goodnight.   Good morning, new decade.  Bring me endless miles.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a friend of mine.  In that case- I love you and hope you are well and wish you all of the best in the New Year.  If it has been too long, I miss you.  Let’s talk.  If you are a stranger, welcome.  And Happy New Year.

Reflecting over the Top Gun Soundtrack. Kill me. November 11, 2009

So, I’m sitting here watching Maverick, Goose and the Ice Man (yeah, nothing better to do than watch Top Gun for the umpteenth time) with an empty Subway pizza container.  Kelly McGillis really sort of looked like a dude to me… don’t get me wrong, her homely looks kind of worked as an Amish chick in Witness (and that chemistry with Harrison Ford….mmmm…yummy- you just wanted them to get all sexed up over a butter churner or chicken coop), but she’s just weird in this movie.  Eh, Tom Cruise is ugly too.  Is there anything better to do with my time?   No.  I’m knee-deep in a Tuesday night funk.  I just drove an hour and a half to meet a kid I met, like a total ass, on Craigslist and TRUSTED he was meeting me and selling me tickets to an event.  Ever-naive Ang.  We kept texting each other  (Ugh- this onscreen kiss is unbelievably gross….yuck!) throughout….even as I waited in the parking lot for the little ball-less ba$tard, I believed he was simply late.  Then his texts got strange and I knew I had been duped.  Wonder-emo kid Ang cried and turned the car around for home.

What really sucks is that I’m not even hungry, but stress subjects me to a keen sensitivity to starch and sources of insignificant nutrition, hence the polished off pizza.  Sigh.  I’m sad today.  PMS?  Naw- not yet, but similar- eating…far-away stares…  I think my boobs are bigger?  Are they bigger (I’m simultaneously grabbing each with a little  shake…like feeling fruit for firmness…but you can’t see that, can ya?)?  My clothes fit fine, but I feel soft… or bloaty. Ick.   I hope it’s not a fat girl re emerging- she was a depressing creature.  Gotta run, run, run (Val Kilmer is ridiculous in this movie.   I just can’t take his acting prowess seriously…although I totally wanted him in the movie Real Genius when I was, like, ten.  He suffers from the Keneau Reeves Syndrome.) 

I’m quickly at the conclusion that 2009 is making it’s closing remarks.  I don’t like it’s argument, either, as the year is wrapping up much differently than it premiered.  Hope in a snow globe- soft, blinding fool’s hope- light and wispy.  Now, the holidays are on us and I can see that it’s not hope, but a confusing white-out.   I’m such a Debbie Downer….I’m going to mapquest “Bright Side” and go looking for it.   (Goose has passed, ladies and gentlemen) 

Violet’s at a party….a Senior BOY’s party at his house.  (Tom Cruise in his tighty-whities… puke)  I’m sinking into her heating blanket on her bed… “What do I get out of this?  I always try, I always miss….”  (New Order) 

This has been a test of the Emergency Emo Random System…