Friday’s Fog October 9, 2009

I’m torn down the middle like tissue paper… no defined edges- just soft and only slightly concealing- yielding and giving way to unwrapping and ripping.  I’m defensive with nothing to defend.   I’m a fast swirling ball of unfettered words that change and shift before they flow from my throat and turn into ribbons of unjustfiable jargon.  I see it happening. 

Not a good day, by my own doings, failings and omissions.  There’s a point where apologies don’t “cut it”… or sound or feel genuine and you know it.  There’s a point where you eat your words with nothing to wash them down.  Today was that day.   There’s a point you get to where hurt is unavoidable; where pain is an accepted outcome- reality and due process.  Today marks that day.  But there are tomorrows and I keep that in mind.

That Band has a Chick Bassist! October 7, 2009

I used to play bass.  I was more or less the wifey/girlfriend who was skeptically taught to play in order to fill a slot.  Let’s just say someone didn’t have ‘bass’ on their Christmas list but got a bass any way. LOL.  Mediocre sums up my ability at best AND that was many years ago; I’ve not had the slightest inclination to pick up the instrument.   Nope- that gig is over.  Then I get asked to stand in for one “show” in 2 weeks a few days ago by an old forgotten-about band   I’m thinking about it, but better not think long because I’d have to reacquaint myself with the Fender PB in the meantime.  It makes me laugh thinking about it.  In a way, it really doesn’t matter how I sound… everyone loves seeing a chick in a dude band!  This morning I uncovered an old photo, the only one I could find, of me ‘rocking out’ .  Try to contain yourselves- this was ten years ago (the Korn and Limp Bizkit Era, my friends) and yes, I was serious about the shiny electric blue button-up shirt.  (I was also carrying some pounds and that seems to be all I can focus on)…

In the same batch of albums from that year, 1999, was a pic of me at the terrible anniversary Woodstock Festival- I can laugh about it now- it was AWFUL- we all fought, I got severe burns that required a doctor’s visit and antibiotics… it was just sleepless and I missed my kids.  Anyway, you hear people talking about their early twenties as being some kind of prime-time, but I like NOW much, much better- how I look, how I feel…  early twenties sucked!

 

1999- burnt, silly and tongue-pierced (and I look high, but I’m not!)

2009- Domesticated

And that’s that.  Hate to change the mood, but I gotta stick some poetry up here soon.  Address?  I didn’t think so- wasn’t holding my breath.  Tonight I’m going to take something to make me foggy so I can sleep and won’t feel sick so I can return to work without my head feeling like it’s sliding off if its skull, so wish me sweet dreams.  (Then again, thinking about this upcoming marathon in ELEVEN DAYS is likely to give me nightmares- I’ve not run in 3 days.)  More blah blah blahing tomorrow.

Bleed it Out September 29, 2009

A week and two days.  Nine days.  That’s how long it took me to get back on my feet and dragging the pavement again since the Marathon.  Considering my life in that span, I honestly haven’t had the slightest urge even though running has kept me focused, centered and conscious any other time- it’s just getting back.   It’s doing.   It’s believing.

I thundered up Fayette at a beautiful race pace because it just felt that beautiful.  She’s back.  Digging in around Union Street I realized that I smile at dogs.   All of them.  Funny; how do you do today, friend?  About six dogs smiled back at me on that street.  Back around Morgantown, two of my Uniontown policemen friends waved me on through the intersection in their patrol cars.  My shuffle swooshed, “you’re here, you’re here, you’re here” .  But I’m just a fragmented version of Ang.  Fragment?  Okay, shards.  A fragile, complicated box of sharp shards.  Sigh.  I suppose routine gives birth to a false sense of normalcy.  Maybe that’s how I revert to complacency in the first place (I’ve been dodging talking to Dale and avoiding confrontation because I like to go about my day in constant denial- it feels safe.   And routine).  I know it’s sounding hokey, because if you really wanted to, you could draw parallels from any one thing to another, but running in particular always tends to open those doors…. Lori, for instance, does an inspiring job of uniting her life in Christ with her everyday “work” be it running or mothering.  Today, during this 5 miler, it was as cold as a blustery November evening, spitting fine rain, and dark.  I knew Dale was out on his run, too.  I knew he was somewhere on the same city streets, unseen.  And although I know I am considerable faster than he, I still couldn’t “find” him- we were on completely opposite routes, wind hitting our faces in conversing directions.  It was a strange realization.  I don’t know.

Warden, with no warning, announced his sudden retirement at this morning’s meeting.  I’m the “newest” employee with only two years of service, but I shamelessly got emotional about it.   All day I was fighting tears - UGH!  What a crier!  He is the the most compassionate, wonderful, fair boss I’ve ever had- he will be missed when he goes.  Well, enough.  Tonight would be a most excellent chili night.

And thank you for the kind comments on the blog, friends

You’re What the Autumn Knew Would Happen… September 28, 2009

In true Angie-form, I’m perched at the countertop strewn with (late) bills, stirring dinner and, naturally, eating something rather vile…like…say…a humongous, primitavely hacked-off chunk of sharp cheddar cheese.  Oh, I do not disappoint, friends, I always give you the hardcore truth.  My dress pants are unbuttoned, too and my makeup is smeared…how ya like that?   I’m a domesticated Courtney Love.  I’ve not run since the marathon fiasco a week and two days ago.   And so here we go- another self-depricating blog about food, running, poetry, kids, nostalgia, and chaos in my life.  Come in, and don’t bother to take your shoes off because it’s been awhile since I’ve mopped!

It’s practically dark and it’s 7 o’clock.  WTH. 

Well, Laura urged me into finding a new venue for what started in 2006 as a (I’m embarrassed to use the word…) MYSPACE blog that I thought no one would read, but apparently I had a few followers who enjoyed my quiet desperation, random poems and penchant for poking fun at my soft belly.  I suppose, as I’ve been told, it even inspired a few people to start running and a couple of them even took it further by running some races- that’s awesome!  I hope I inspired a few to eat cheesecake, cereal and ice cream as well (the four food groups…minus Taco Bell)

I won’t overwhelm you with any melancholia at the moment or anything too deep- it’s just the first post, afterall- c’mon. 

You may be a mutual “facebook friend” of my husband’s and decided to check out my blog, hoping in guilty fascination to make sense of the wild, dispairing and ambiguous lyrics and updates he has been leaving.  I know a few of you even know what’s up because you messaged him.  Gossip getting set straight- yes,  my marriage is currently at the point of discontinuity.  I won’t go into detail but in this lovely no-secrets blog that I write more for my self-therapy than your amusement, I gotta put it on the dissecting table.  And likewise, leave comments publicly, please.  

Have to wrap this first one up….

~ My kids are doing great- thought Colby had MRSA (or as Violet calls is, Mrs. A) and spent the last couple of hours at MedExpress.  Colby at the home game last Friday with his Baritone… doesn’t he look excited?!  I know!

~ Colby is running 21′s in Cross County! Here’s Violet on Sat…

~ My next marathon is in 3 weeks and I am considering not running it or maybe running the half because I am exhausted in every way.   I ran a 4:2X  (not sure) last week at the Air Force Marathon.

~ Sometimes stress damages the appetite- not now- I am voracious.  Someone stop me- if it’s in my way, I eat it. 

~ Dale has lost a ton of weight and ran thirty miles last week as well as spends a lot of time at the Y- this is great but he has us worried.

Lastly, I’ve got to sort through my notebooks and post up some new poetry rambling I’ve created, but in the meantime, enjoy November 1968 by Adrienne Rich- I’m really digging this one right now (hence the post title)…  I LOVE IT

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/november-1968/