Pivotal, Poignant. 2009. December 30, 2009

I wanted to recap, with annotations and footnotes, photos, bells and whistles, my entire 2009 experience.   I hoped to carefully draft this and present it to you proudly, but I lack the emotional viability and preparatory ability.  The truth is, I am as utterly confused as ever and the inevitable sundown of Dec 31 and the sunrise of Jan 1 is simply a date in passing, no matter how much I’d like to believe that there is something magical about the bridge into a new year. 

A few minutes ago I read a message sent to me on Facebook from my friend Laura.  I believe a lot of the people I have become acquainted with or with whom I have become close to, more than we were in past years, in 2009 have perhaps been very…. carefully placed?  Meaningful?  Purposeful?  I can’t even explain, to further bewilder my reader.  Just odd how ‘characters’ have drifted accross my stage this year… and properly cast. 

Laura, offering her biblical wisdom, tells me that “the heart is deceitful above all things…”  Well, DAMN.  No doubt.   Isn’t that the truth?  I’ve heard this before but am really turning it over, just now.   At Easter, My dad reminded us at dinner that “We pursue that which retreats from us”.   Yes, yes.  My mom points out that there is a giver and a taker in our relationships.  My therapist- a chaser and the chased.   I have now been both at the very same time, and I can tell you that neither position is very comfortable.   Chasing takes every last bit of soul from you and reduces you to desperation. Being chased is tiresome as well and challenges your patience and civility.   It all hurts. 

What have I done with my year?  My life?  (Isn’t this what I’m supposed to go through TEN years, FIFTEEN years from now?) I feel like I’m in a transitory place- as if this was the year that life would test me to see my worth- to evalute what I’ve done or not done- to object to a quiet humming and pacing that I’ve fallen complacent to on my life’s path… and violent shake me, free the cobwebs and undergrowth… What is meant for me?  What is it I want?  At what point is selfishness acceptable?  Is it ever?  Do you stay true to yourself?  Do you deny yourself always for the sake of others?  I’m struggling here.  Have I failed completely?  Which way is the road to happiness?  Is happiness important or obtainable? 

I can’t seem to regain balance.  Does anyone feel the way I do?  If yes, throw me a line-  a life preserver- a pistol!  (Or better yet- submit answers to all the above questions to angiepatricellikern@gmail.com- thanks in advance).

I ran three marathons in 6 months this year and finally hit low 22′s for my 5K time-  So I know I must seriously be disturbed; runners have issues, so I’ve heard.

And that wretched heart- that lying deceitful thing that lies to me every day- how do I trust it when it made such a mess of 2009.  How do I know when it’s telling the truth?  Again: answers, someone?  (“I listened to the bray my heart- I am I am Iam”- Sylvia Plath- listened, then …she killed it.

I’ve made friends this year with several incredible people….and destroyed (obliterated is better word) friendship.

I’ve lost a lot of weight and got in shape (yay for tank tops and skinny clothes!) but gained about 8 pounds since September (yay for mindless stress eating)

I dumped my Jetta for a NON-LOWERED VW!  gasp!

Oh, forget it- I can’t sum this amazing year into a cliff note.  I’ve grown- I’ve never felt more adult.  Eh.  And is it me or does everyone suddenly have a child under the age of nine?  I feel miles away from 2000, when I was 24 years old and I wouldn’t want to go back (actually, was just as confused but at least i didn’t feel the spiny fingers of time at my back)….  Time… time, time, time

SO will I surprise myself in 2010 or will 2010 surprise me?  There’s no regrets, honestly.  Good-bye, 2009.  Take your Silversun Pickups CD and Interpol CD with you- I wish to never hear them again.  Take your heavy, crushing, sad in the heart, hollowed out chest feeling that comes and goes.  Your maniacal sobbing moments on Ohio highways- yep- they’re yours- take ‘em.  The lying and yelling?   Sucked.  You may keep those for your history book.  Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling and alarm clock?  Obsessive cell phone useage?   Adios. 

Leave behind the honesty, please, as it has been used so sparingly.   Any love I have given or received has been graciously accepted and humbly and tremendously given away and I thank you, 2009, for that- leave it for me to return to in my mind… the poetry- however painful and written through tears of anger and hopelessness, it is all mine and I desire to keep it.  So much has happened that I actually couldn’t have desired to have happened more.   Release those, 2009.  

Bipolarity of 2009, goodnight.   Good morning, new decade.  Bring me endless miles.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a friend of mine.  In that case- I love you and hope you are well and wish you all of the best in the New Year.  If it has been too long, I miss you.  Let’s talk.  If you are a stranger, welcome.  And Happy New Year.

Before this Fall October 28, 2009

I’m wary of trees

The leaves- when lush

with languid August rush- they

lie and lull

Make me stupid

beneath midnight canopy

beneath summer Cygnus, Lyra-

These fill and brim your silvered eyes

Flit the skies and play across

lips pressed like hands in prayer

What can I trust

when morning is on your tongue?

(like summer, you run-

-I remember)

shooting and stabbing,

sharp, so sweet

Make me stupid

until September

 

Eh, something I’m working on.  See, if I’m ‘working on it’, it means- do not criticize.  It also means I’ll shove it into my daily planner amid fifteen other short and long pieces that I’ll never get back to, and lately I feel vulnerable putting up long finished pieces.  Like running a race, you have to have an excuse afterwards for your performance, even if it’s a good one.  

Got a long way to go and a short time to get there.

The Halloween parade is tonight- I love Uniontown parades!

Sunday Sicklies October 12, 2009

We’re all sick kids.   Colby’s wandering around with a quilt wrapped around him, looking like royalty- King Nyquil.   Violet’s room even smells toxic.  My nose is constantly dripping, but not to the point of making walrus tusks out of t.p., which I ordinarily will do. 

I feel like I’ve spent the weekend in bed.  Maybe because I did.  Life revolved around the bed after running ten miles Saturday afternoon, culminated in some Tylenol PM (sore) taken much, much too late, and resulted in waking at 11:20 am today.  I felt like I was late for the first day of tenth grade or something- utterly lost.  Did I miss the bus?  I don’t know the last time I slept so much. And it didn’t stop there- I remained horizontal all afternoon posting things on Craigslist, eBay and various forums hoping to rake in some needed cash.   Someone please buy my stuff.  Now tis late Sunday nigght and I’m STILL lying across the bed!  I must get out tomorrow- maybe put down some miles, run some errands- visit the mountains, chase some hobbits.  It’s really getting thick with autumn aura out there- I was amazed by the difference in the mountains when I was there Saturday morning-  the leaves are changing here, but up there they were absolutely beautiful and peaking.  I was along the river…..wow.  I want to get back up there and all of us go hiking before a good rain or wind destroys the foliage. 

Looks like I will not be a rock star after all- my services are unwanted.  Oh well, I really don’t think I could’ve pulled it off anyway (sniff sniff) 

Five days until Columbus (insert scared-face icon)  I’m a little stiff and sore after a ten-miler- NOT GOOD.  I just want to be fast.

and
Running is something that we’ve always done and

mostly I can’t even tell what I’m running from

(Amanda Palmer- Runs in the Family- great song)   Ho hum ho hum I guess it’s time to EXPIRE retire.

 

Workday nonsense September 30, 2009

It was another cinnamon french toast morning.   I’m on a roll.  Or is it that I’ve no groceries?  Whatever the case, my grouchy, half-blind zombie-child, Colby, is actually eating breakfast and I love when a kid will eat their breakfast.  I’m usually shoving pop tarts, muffins, bowls of cereal or rice krispy treats into his hand, backpack, pockets, to which he yells at me for nagging and throws them back on the counter.  BUT make a nice hot pile of french toast and he EATS.  Victory smells sweet!  And I smell it all over my clothes even at work right now.  

It’s so dark and ugly today and I’ve officially declared it Chai Tea season   There are most certainly seasons for food and it’s apple crisp, chili and soup or pancakes for dinner time!  I welcome it.  Tea in the summer is just not right.  What I’m seriously dreading when I’m trying to talk myself out of hitting snooze for another hour, is Life After Thanksgiving.   That is a season for me that stretches from  Black Friday until the last snow.  Maybe Easter.  I know, I live in the absolute wrong place- I need sun.  I’m already feeling low when 7pm rolls around and the sun disappears.  Anyway, Thanksgiving I love, Christmas- NO.  No, no, no.  Skip it. And January through March- absolutely bleak and depressing. 

Some young punk in VA wants to buy some wheels I have for sale online- he’s pestering me at this moment- I’m asking $300 and he wants to pay @225 and DRIVE half way.   What the hell is wrong with people?  He lives in southern VA.  Gotta head out- working in the sheriff’s office today